meds

It was/is the biggest mistake I had made. But I could change it. I could choose not to be that person. I would choose the correct thing. With no thought to my punishment or amends. Do I take my pills so I don't have to feel that gut retching emptiness? I think not. I still feel it. I can control how often I feel it. It's best not to live continually in that pain. Yeah, I want to be able to make it through this awfulness with out meds but for now; I need them. I am building a support system but it is difficult to find the level of commitment is daunting. Always available and helpful. I don't know that I could do it. And yet I would expect it.

Therapy, speaking and learning different ways of responding or do things is well hadn't 'been very useful or healing for me. I would give it another go. I need help and support. I feel so alone. Help me Heavenly Father. I need and love You.

Admit

What do you do when the person you trust betrays you publicly? Most people me included prefer to pretend it is less than it is. You act like it doesn't bother you. That you are not deeply wounded. That is my denial. My pre-recovery addictive reaction. Now, I have to deal with that pain. And how I react or better yet prepare for the inevitable pain of moving through this. Belief in My Heavenly Father and that all will be right. He will be by my side through out. But it is so difficult for me to always see him and feel him next to me. I feel so alone. I know that is my carnal body; not my spiritual deeper side. Delving into the bible and truly divining His purpose and lesson for me. Next to difficult for me to see.

Pharmaceuticals are helpful to a point. But sometimes they are just like alcohol or any other addictive behavior. They can be abused and become detrimental. I think a new church; a new fellowship may just what I need. Let me make a concerted effort to pray, read the the bible, go to bible study, CR/SHIFT. Involved and healing. That is what I need to be involved in. Help me. Lord.

Living without cable

It's been two days since I've been without cable. Without tv actually, I don't have that converter box so I get nothing but static. I have to tell you. I really, really miss it. I always used the tv as background noise. I'm sort of ADD that way. I'm getting divorced and selling the family home. So, I'm all alone in the big empty house and I have to tell you. The televisions set to my favorite shows kept me company. I could pretend that I wasn't alone. The noise alone was comforting. It's amazing how much I had come to depend on my crutch cable television. It gave me something to do when I had nothing to do. It filled my mind and eyes with pictures and thoughts. Not necessarily good thoughts but thoughts.

My particular vices on tv were 'Criminal Minds', 'Law and Order SVU', 'Law and Order CI', 'Burn Notice', 'House', and 'Fraiser'. These were the main ones. I would watch whatever captured my fancy.

But now I am bereft. I am reduced to watching dvd's and I have realized that I have precious few of them. You can only watch 'Bridget Jones' so many times. People have said that I just need to put on some music. I love music but I need to see something. My mind has to be engaged on many levels. For instance I am blogging, watching 'Lord of the Rings' and watching the thunderstorm outside. I would be in heaven if only I knew that I had the choice to change the channel.